Parents and Eating Disorders
It's easy for parents to blame themselves, asking what they did wrong, and becoming angry when they can't seem to get through to their child.
What can a parent do?
Parents often feel helpless, frustrated and angry that they've found no way to help a sufferer of an eating disorder. But there are some things that you can do make the person feel supported, as well as keeping yourself healthy. Below is a list of things compiled from memories of what I wanted to hear when I was first starting to recover.
Guidelines
Be Yourself- there's a tendency to be scared and, especially for parents, to give in to every impulse and demand of your child. Please remember that you can only help them if you are grounded and secure, so keep in place household rules (like cleaning, chores, etc.), so that you have boundaries and everyone in the house isn't walking on eggshells- routines and traditions provide stability.
Have Patience- recovery, and even getting to the point of starting recovery, are long roads. There are no short cuts or easy ways out, and that has to be the mindset. Trying to rush the recovering individual will only lead to lies about their state of mind and health (saying they're "fine"), and pressure to always be going in the "right" direction, when in reality, recovery is filled with as many wrong paths as right ones.
Support- It is very important to offer unconditional support, not rewards if they eat and punishment when they're "bad." Ideally, no matter how they react on the outside, they need to hear that you will not give up on them, that you will help them fight until they are strong enough to fight for themselves. They yearn for someone to know the worst about them and love them anyways.
Avoid Weight Discussions- inside the mind of a person dealing with an eating disorder is relentless thoughts about food, weight, diet and appearance. Adding to these thoughts only seems to exaggerate the importance of them in an unrealistic way.
Get Informed- read as many books as you can, attend any information sessions or workshops pertaining to eating disorders, and think about your own view and what your beliefs are about body image, dieting and the media.
Listen- if it was easy to stop the behaviour, they would have done it long ago. So encourage them to keep sharing their feelings and thoughts, no matter how trivial they may seem- everything has been suppressed with shame and the person needs to learn to express themselves in healthy ways.
Use "I" Statements- when expressing concern, it is more effective to speak from your own experience rather than blaming or judging their behavior. For example, instead of saying, "You look too thin, maybe you should eat more," try, "I look see you suffering and I want to help you."
Remember: recovery will inspire many changes, some which are harder to accept than others. This won't be the same person that you thought you'd always known- they will likely become more assertive, express their feelings more (including anger, jealousy, resentment, and other "negative" emotions), and have a stronger sense of themselves and their boundaries.
