Helping Children Recover After Divorce
Building Blocks for Families Recovering From Divorce
Oct 13, 2008
Before the divorce, children have been listening to and witnessing the harsh words and fights of their parents. They have lived the breakup, and they will live the aftershocks of the breakup as well.
Stabilizing the Children
No matter what unresolved hurts parents may have with one another or with the in-laws, the children come first. Stabilizing them must be the parents' first priority. Children do not possess adult critical thinking skills or experience, or the emotional/mental maturity to stabilize themselves. Their world has been shattered. Children have a tendency to blame themselves for their parents' divorce.
"The divorce rate in the United States is estimated by some statisticians to be close to 50 percent. What this means is that millions of parents in America and their children are wrestling with significant problems and needs." (Dr. Phil McGraw, Family First, FREE PRESS,1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY., 2004., pg. 15.)
How to stabilize them? Take them out of the fighting for starters. Do not use them as pawns to get at one another. Do not use them to assuage/comfort the injured emotions of the adults.
Divorced Parents Must Work Together
Unless there are some issues where parents absolutely must have limited involvement or supervised involvement with one another and the children (domestic violence, sexual abuse, court orders, etc.), working together, no matter how difficult for the best interests of the children is top priority. Here are some guidelines:
- Parents need to put aside their issues and devise a plan on how to meet the needs of their children;
- Teach the children to speak respectfully of their parents;
- Work out a plan that includes the extended family, grandparents, etc.;
- Provide security, especially during times when children may be transferred from one home to the other (weekends, holidays, etc.), give children a smooth, stressless transition;
- Keep the communication lines open between parents; and
- Parents do not communicate with one another through the children.
New Marriages
As a breakup of one marriage is traumatizing to children, a new marriage also holds challenges for them. Mentally and emotionally children have been through the ringer. A new marriage or the introduction of a significant other, and maybe the children of a significant other, as well as a new extended family offers still more hurdles for the children of divorced parents. What to do? Again, communication and devising a plan with the new partner is essential. Here are some basics:
- Devise a parenting plan;
- Discuss the dynamics of how the new significant other will relate to the children and vice versa; and
- Help the children to adapt to the new situation.
The more help children receive to stabilize, adapt and heal, it would logically follow, the risks of developing more troublesome issues such as eating disorders, addictions, poor school (academic and classroom/behavioral) performances, etc., are reduced.
More Information
Helping Your Child Cope With Separation and Divorce
Source
Dr. Phil McGraw, Family First, FREE PRESS, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY., 2004., pgs. 15-30.
Note to the Reader: The information contained within this article is not intended to treat or diagnose a condition.
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